Delays and Holding Patterns

    In my line of work, flying airplanes, delays and "holds" are a daily occurrence.  Some you become aware of during preflight planning, others can appear without warning.  Both have a habit of creating a lot of frustration, anger, and high levels of stress.  Weather, maintenance issues and scheduling can take a simple flight and turn it into an absolute mess.  I am finding out that apparently the adoption process can do the same thing.
   We have just entered into the paperwork blizzard and I'm already going cross eyed and straining my memory to fill in the blanks.  Fill out a couple of forms, triple check them for mistakes, put them in the mail, stress out about IF you possibly missed something, and wait and wait and wait some more.  Till the next set of forms arrive and repeat.  I remind myself:  we're only just getting started....
   A self-induced hold showed up completely by me and then I subjected my wife to it.  You see, I was all about adoption in theory, but when it came right down to it, the actual adopting part freaked me out.  Questions such as: "Can I provide for another child?  Am I really willing to upset my comfy little life?  Why is my wife insisting that I pray about this? We just gave money to an orphanage."  Around and around I went.  I really wrestled with how adoption would be deliberately upsetting my life.  In the 9 years we've been married there have been 10 career changes, 8 of them mine. Only 2 of these were voluntary.  So coming from a decently unstable job/economic background, finances weigh pretty heavy on my mind.  I used that to delay my decision about adoption.  However, God didn't think that was a very good argument.  He finally got through my thick head when my wife asked me if I trusted Him to provide for us.  My instinctive reaction to the question was, "Yes, of course."  She then proceeded to run through multiple examples of how God had taken care of and provided for us during some very hard times.  I agreed, but it was only because I couldn't argue with the facts.  After that "fun" talk, I had a hard time sleeping because I really saw that my trust in God was very shallow in spite of all the evidence.
   Life happens.  Jobs, kids, home upkeep, projects, family time, illness, even vacations have a habit of making life's clock speed up.  Where can I find the time to go through the adoption process?  Yep, just entered another delay.  I figured if I kept this up God would leave me alone.  Nice idea... if by nice I mean delusional and ridiculous.  I amaze myself with the incredible silliness that my little mind comes up with.
   It has taken awhile for me to realize that this "walk by faith not by sight" thing is much broader and deeper than I previously understood it to be.  There will be delays.  Sometimes I will be in a holding pattern, waiting.  Some delays will be because of me, some will not.  I need to trust Him more to mitigate the self-induced holds/delays and learn to rest in Him during the others.  The doors will open when He allows them to and not before.

Building blocks

   To tell the story right, we need to start at the beginning.  There are a lot of in's and out's to this, but I hope that you'll stay with me on this twisting road.  Some disclaimers:  our adoption story is still being written and we have no idea where it will lead to.  I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish through this blog, except to chronicle the adventure and encourage other "reluctant adoptive fathers" (more on that later).  Other than that, let's kick the tires and light the fires...

A "Brief" History

   Some people know what they want to do, some people have to work at figuring it out.  I was four years old when I figured it out.  I knew I wanted to be an airline pilot.  My great Uncle was an airline pilot, my dad and his 3 brothers all flew for the airlines, so it really wasn't all that hard to pick what I wanted to do.  I don't remember my first flight because I was too little, but flying has always been a big part of my life.  It took awhile to get there, but eventually I did fly for the airlines.  God, however had other plans and my carefully crafted airline life came to screeching halt on Oct 29, 2001.  I got furloughed (laid off) due to 9-11.  My world collapsed.  I had built my "house" upon the sand and the storms came and destroyed it all.  God, however, was just getting started.  

   Even though I had been a Christian for many years, I had allowed flying to take the throne of my heart and one thing; God doesn't share His throne with anyone or anything.  So He removed the idol that I had created.  It took awhile, but slowly He rebuilt my life.  In 2004, I married my best friend and most awesome woman in the world, my Angela Joy.  While we dated and in the first few years of our marriage we talked a lot about a family our own.  The idea of adoption came up many times and I was all for it.... in theory, as I have come to realize.  God blessed us with 2 amazing kids in 2010 and 2012, so I thought adoption was off the table.  God had other plans.  Again.   Angela started bringing up the idea of us adopting more frequently.  I was always ok with the idea, but continued to focus on the more immediate future and pushed away the adoption stuff.  We had lots of talks about it and I was actually starting to get a bit nervous as to why this was all happening.  You see, I always liked the IDEA of adopting, but more planned on simply giving money to an orphanage or even doing a mission trip to an orphanage.  I even prayed that that was what God wanted us to do.  God said, "No, I have something else planned for you."  

   Which brings us to today.  I am still a pilot, but flying for a corporation rather than the airlines, that's a whole other story.   (The picture on the blog, I took while flying west from Cleveland at 30,000 ft.)  Through my wife, extended family, and a bunch of close friends, God has brought me and my very reluctant heart to starting the journey/adventure of adoption.  I would love to say that I jumped in right away, no that would be lying.  Frankly, I tripped, stumbled and backed my way to this point, but God's been gently drawing my heart to see His heart for the orphans of this world.  His Word even declares in James 1:27  "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this:  to look after orphans and widows"  

   We have just begun this journey.  I am FINE: freaked out, insecure, nervous, and emotional about all that may happen.  From what I hear, this is crazy.  The paperwork involved would kill a small forest, the incredible amount of money we will spend before we even get to start looking for who God has for us, the emotional roller coasters, stress, etc...  But, my Father in Heaven goes before me.  He will lead, He will come behind, He will walk with me through out this, I need simply to obey, put my hand in His, and walk each step with Him.